It has been one of those weeks where you want to stand on a large rock, and point at people, events and things, and shout fuck off, fuck off fuck off and fuck off. Anyway, it has resulted in my being awake way too early (even for a weekday) because there are too many things on my mind and one of those things is this blog.
And so my confession begins like this...
... I have been thinking about giving up blogging.
Not because I don't enjoy it anymore or because all the cool kids use Instagram (I do that too) but because I have been thinking about my online presence.
Before the internet, it was easy to hide yourself and make it easier to forget people but the internet has made it harder to hide away. After last year all I have wanted to do is fade away, be anonymous, try as hard as possible to completely forget events and certain people. You can't hide away when you have a blog - having a blog is the opposite - you're standing up on the rock, saying look I'm over here and this is the version of me that you can all hear about... because in real life do I always bang on about books... oh, wait, yes I do! So maybe this blog is a slice of my real life rather than a different version.
With the internet it is easy to portray a life that doesn't reflect reality. Crop, delete, purge plus the opposite if you require - add a little detail here, beef up this fact, pretend to be someone you're not. The internet has a way of making you a good person but it also has a way of making you feel inadequate, paranoid and worthless - I don't like the way that some information in a computer can have that power (and I don't like the way people have this control over other people as well). I took some steps to remove the way the internet can have a negative impact on life.
I have been removing people from my Facebook friends who I am no longer related to or friends - I'm talking about the type of friends who leave an aggressive message on your answer phone the same week your sister is in hospital having a major operation or the ones who want the latest gossip so they can report back to other friends. I have locked down my account or as much as you can until 'the big man upstairs' starts to change privacy settings. But then, I got a message from a stranger telling me how they had dated an ex along with a few other things. I didn't respond because I'm not sure what I would have said, and also why do people do that?
Since then I have really wanted to remove myself completely from the internet - there were either two ways to do this - move to a cave or tidying up my online presence. I have been deleting my profiles from sites I no longer use (I can't bring myself to delete my Goodreads, Twitter and Instagram accounts because I enjoy using those sites) because I was hoping that by having a smaller presence I could make people forget me, and shrink away from memory (ha - just read that back and I definitely sound like I need a good night's sleep). Obviously deleting, cropping and chopping doesn't remove that twinge in your heart.
I deleted my Linkedin account too because I'm not too sure why I set it up - maybe because I like being told about jobs in far away countries and that all I need to do to get the job is hand over my bank account details - what, you mean those aren't real?
The blog was one of the last things on my list.
And then I realised that this is one of the things I enjoy in my life, and why should I give it up. I have given up and lost so many other things in the past year that this shouldn't be another casualty.
This is why I haven't been blogging as much recently.
So, what I'm trying to say is that the post about my April reading adventures is on its way.