Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Bad Writing Tips


  • Only write when the moon is full.
  • Keep a napkin handy as they better than notebooks. Rough drafts can be wiped away with snot.
  • Lounging across the sofa with the laptop balanced on your stomach, with The Real Housewives of New York playing on the television while you eat peanut M&Ms is the ideal writing position.
  • All first drafts must be sent to magazines and agents. They love reading raw, rough writing.
  • There’s no need for editing.
  • You must get yourself a logo before you can be a real writer.
  • Make sure you have an entourage: You will need at least one person to do the typing, another person to have the idea, another person to do the editing (if needed), another person to run your Facebook fan page and another person to dab your forehead when its’ getting too much or to change the television channel when the adverts are drowning out your inner voice.
  • WRITE IN CAPITALS. ALL OF THE TIME.
  • Comic Sans is the best font for sending out writing to agents and magazines.
  • Make sure that your short stories include emoticons J
  • Only a two-week all-inclusive holiday to a tropical island will help cure you of writer’s block. OR, if your budget is tight then lounging across the sofa with The Real Housewives of New York playing on the television while you eat peanut M&Ms and have a cold flannel across your forehead will be a lesser cure.
  • Daily doses of champagne will make the ideas bubble onto the page.
  • Write in a vacuum.
  • Don’t tell people that ‘there’s a book inside everybody’ because you don’t want them to get a book deal before you.

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