Recently I reviewed Mike French’s book, Blue Friday. Mike has kindly agreed to pop over to Writer’s Little Helper and answer 9 questions on the subject of running an imaginary bookshop.
Hi Mike, congratulations on the publication of your second novel, Blue Friday and thank you for popping over to Writer’s Little Helper.
STOP PRESS: Mike was too busy living the glamorous life of a writer to answer the questions so he has sent Mr Brittle and Mr Stone, characters from Blue Friday to answer them.
1. What would be the name of your imaginary bookshop?
Mr Brittle: Brittle & Stone Incorporated.
Mr Stone: Stone & Brittle Incorporated.
Mr Brittle: Don’t start, Mr Stone.
Mr Stone: Sorry, Mr Brittle.
2. Where would your imaginary bookshop be located?
Mr Brittle: At the back of the dry cleaners on Edgware Road.
Mr Stone: Next to Jack. He likes books. He lives in the underground. Can we have our shop in the underground?
3. Would your bookshop have any special features? E.g. a performing stage, a cocktail bar, etc.
Mr Brittle: It would have a big clock on the wall and a rotating door.
Mr Stone: And naked girls in a sandpit.
4. What would make your bookshop different from all of the other ones?
Mr Brittle: At five-o-clock we would throw people out onto the street.
Mr Stone: We would oil the rotating door.
5. What sections would you have in your bookshop? And what sections would you ditch?
Mr Brittle: We would have a section called RCB.
Mr Stone: Really crap books. We will discount them and put them in piles of three.
Mr Brittle: We can count to three.
Mr Stone: One, two, three. See.
Mr Brittle: I think she sees, Mr Stone.
6. Every bookshop needs a display table. Which books would you have on your display table? Why?
Mr Brittle: You ask a lot of questions, Mrs Jessica.
Mr Stone: We would put the RCBs there.
Mr Brittle: Yes good one, Mr Stone. A table with legs five meters tall.
Mr Stone: They can’t reach them.
Mr Brittle: And rats to bite fingers, Mr Stone.
Mr Stone: Yes, bad customer should know better, Mr Brittle.
Mr Brittle: Bite, bite, scratch and claw.
Mr Stone: Shoo, bad customer. Go away.
7. If you could run only one author event who would you have? You can pick a living or dead writer. What sort of event would they run?
Mr Brittle: I would invite Mike French.
Mr Stone: He is very famous. Although sadly dead now.
Mr Brittle: He was killed taking in the milk.
Mr Stone: It was the birds.
Mr Brittle: The event would be a book burning.
Mr Stone: Yes, a good idea, Mr Brittle.
Mr Brittle: You see, Mrs Jessica, we hate his books.
Mr Stone: Apart from the bits with naked girls.
Mr Brittle: We would humiliate him, invite all his friends then burn his books.
Mr Stone: That would teach him, Mr Brittle.
Mr Brittle: Teach him, Mr Stone.
8. A customer comes up to your till with a copy of Blue Friday and asks you to give them a reason on why they should buy it. What would you say?
Mr Brittle: Don’t - you’re wasting your money.
Mr Stone: Read page ninety- one.
9. What sort of cake would you offer when launching your book in your bookshop?
Mr Brittle: Chocolate mice.
Mr Stone: We haven’t got a book, Mr Brittle.
Mr Brittle: I think she means Blue Friday, Mr Stone.
Mr Brittle: Not pleased, Mrs Jessica.
Mr Stone: It is after five, Mr Brittle.
Mr Brittle We are going to throw you out now, Mrs Jessica.
Mr Stone: We will enjoy throwing you out, Mrs Jessica.